True Intimacy

I’m really loving this song by the Rend Collective at the moment, it’s really soothing. The other day at work, I heard it flash through my mind in the middle of a heated email discussion about work priorities and deadlines, and it made me feel like that I’d come up for air and swallowed some oxygen into my lungs. It’s amazing how music can be a loudspeaker for your subconscious. We went to see Inside Out this weekend, and kids loved the joke that there are some daft songs we store in our memory seem to pop up when we least expect it!

When I looked this song up just now, I was surprised to see it was called “True Intimacy”. In all honesty I find intimacy really challenging. I can understand why people with autism are scared to make eye contact, as the range of emotions in someone’s eyes can be overwhelming if you are sensitive to the range of responses they might be making. I tend to feel more like that when I’m tired, and emotional myself, but even when I’m relaxed and happy, I’ll shy away from giving my husband a hug or a compliment even when I know it would be very welcome. I find it easier to write about my feelings than to share them out loud. I make light of things with friends, or tell them a story about something that happened to me, because I’m scared to be really present, and listen and not add or judge the situation.

With God I think it’s similar. During this journey I’m on, I’ve had some real privileged moments of intimacy with him, when I’ve felt closer to him than ever before. Then I’ll hide my feelings and shy away again. On a retreat once, I felt that Jesus was almost part of me, like a lover, and not like an old man or a brother. Sharing this though seems crazy! I am so thankful I can write though, as it’s a gift for me as much as anyone else.

Hope you enjoy this song/prayer as much as me…